Results Guaranteed. Just Not Quickly.
Everyone wants instant results.
This kit does not provide them.
Results depend entirely on what you eat while waiting.
Each Guaranteed Weight Loss Kit™ includes:
1 × Recipe Suggestion
Lettuce. Prepared thoughtfully.
1 × Bag of Lettuce Seeds
Carefully selected for maximum effort-to-calorie ratio.
1 × Growing & Planting Instructions
Clear, step-by-step guidance on how to plant, water, wait, and question your decisions.
1 × Cooking Instructions (Prep time: 90 days)
Simple preparation methods designed to preserve nutrients and minimise joy.
The Guaranteed Weight Loss Kit™ is a practical, proven approach to weight loss that relies on patience, restraint, and the slow erosion of hope. No shortcuts. No hacks. Just vegetables.
Important Notes
- Weight loss is guaranteed, enthusiasm is not
- Requires patience, consistency, and access to soil
- Best results achieved when combined with regret
- You’ll probably want to eat while you wait